Obstacles on your path to self-love

Now that we know that self-love is about having your best interest at your heart and as easy as this sounds, we may face challenges or difficulties on a regular basis in this process. Why is it that we will love others for the same things we condemn ourselves for? In no way am I discouraging anyone from loving others here, but what I’m saying is that if you allow yourself the kindness, compassion and empathy you give to others, all you are doing is giving yourself the chance to grow and be the person you are.

The journey starts from realizing what these barriers are and then working on them gradually. You don’t have to invalidate any of your feelings, it’s just that you have to look at them from a perspective that these things do not make you any less lovable.

1. The goal of perfectionism

Wanting to be perfect in everything we do is something, I feel most of us struggle with. The thing about perfectionism is that we set unrealistic and unattainable goals for ourselves and want to achieve them with exceeding high standards.

This leads us to constantly criticize ourselves constantly for not meeting these unrealistic goals and then feeling unworthy. This can lead us to have low self-esteem and anxiety related to the task at hand. Now the real question is why do we want to be perfect? What do we think the word flaw means?

There is no age at which one stops learning or a certain age at which one should know everything. To accept yourself with these “imperfections” is an easy thing to say, but with accepting yourself comes freedom. It is about shifting that lens to have a more positive outlook. The truth is that you tried. You tried something new, something that you really wanted. This is something to be proud of, to be able to get out of your comfort zone is not an easy thing. You might as well think of the idea why you chose to partake in that something and that reason is what keeps to motivated to go and do your own thing. All you have to do is your best and this best is enough; it's more than enough.

2. Negative self-talk and judgements

If I ask you to write 10 sentences about yourself or pay attention to your thoughts, what will they be? What is your inner voice saying about you? For a lot of us, this voice is our first critic, our biggest enemy. At times, this is even an outcome of conditioning. These limiting beliefs, such as "I'm not enough" or "I don't deserve love," become engrained in our minds. The first step is to recognize this negative self-talk and ask ourselves if these thoughts are even ours or if they are someone else’s. Most of these thoughts are formed in our heads when we are too young to even understand their meaning.

The idea is to challenge and then change these negative beliefs into positive ones without forcing yourself to say the positive ones without conviction. For example, you can try to reframe negative thoughts into more positive and realistic ones by asking yourself if there is evidence to support them. Our subconscious mind requires evidence, so when we think of our past, a lot of times we try to draw conclusions from instances that support our thoughts and ignore the ones that do not. Next time you think of such thoughts, go back and think of situations where you felt they were not true. So if I think that I’m not enough, I have to go back and think of the times I thought I was. Well, I made myself breakfast this morning, and I was enough for that; then I appeared for my exams, and I attended my lectures and I was enough. Now create new situations to experience this feeling of enoughness. Start with small goals that will help you gain confidence and move to bigger goals. Our inner voice plays a very important part in developing self-love.

starting with these little steps to change the way we think about ourselves because it is not in our hands to control our thoughts but what is in our hands is what we do with them. we don’t have to sit with them. Acknowledging that we had this thought, without making any judgements about ourselves or the thoughts and then letting them go. Try to add “I am having a thought” in front of critical thought like “I’m not enough” instead of saying out the thought. Separate yourself from your thoughts because thoughts are not our reality, facts are the reality. And the facts are that there have been incidences and situations that say otherwise. Acknowledge those. This involves cultivating a kind and understanding relationship with oneself.

Often, we even state if our feelings or emotions about a certain thing our right or wrong, or think a lot about how we “should” feel. In these situations, I generally acknowledge these feelings and just accept that I am feeling a certain way without passing any judgment on them. It matters how I respond to those emotions. This non-judgmental approach helped me with being more accepting of myself first of all, and then understanding myself and navigating through situations a bit more smoothly.

3. Past experiences

The past experiences that we have play a vital role in shaping our perception of the world and especially the way we think, feel and act in new situations. Sometimes, being vulnerable in our past was not a good experience and because of the fear of not wanting to feel that way again, we close ourselves to new experiences. The thing is, it is an explanation as to why you would not want to feel that way again. but until and unless you open your heart to receive love, and accept it, be it from yourself or others, you cannot experience it. A lot of us struggle with the idea of wanting to feel that kind of love again but not that hurt. the reasons could vary; fear of vulnerability, rejection, intimacy or even trust issues and they are valid. But blocking that love and wanting it at the same time are two opposite things that cannot work in synchrony. Learning how to navigate through these emotions and feelings can be difficult but you are worth it. All you have to know is that you showed up and took a risk. You were brave and however it turned out to be; you won.

just because you were made to feel unlovable in one place does not mean it would be the same everywhere. And to think that this time it will be you, to love yourself, to allow yourself to be authentic and true to yourself, and be there for yourself; I think it safe to say that the chances of you being hurt again are much less but this is not possible unless you believe it, strongly, that you deserve that love.

4. Influence of media and external expectations

Nowadays, most of the world is online and hyper-connected to each other through all kinds of media. We are bombarded with images and messages that seem to directly dictate standards of beauty, success, and happiness. The constant exposure to these ideals can create an internalized pressure for us to look, dress, behave, earn, or even live a certain way. A lot of times this is one major cause of feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. The idea of comparing ourselves to others in all aspects of life is so common, reason may be whatsoever including seeking validation, personal growth through benchmarking, coping with feelings of inferiority or superiority, or wanting to be a part of idealized standards, the thing that we forget about here is our own wants, goals, values and needs.

If I were to explain this in a certain way, I would ask you to compare economics and biology. Is it possible to compare market behavior with the study of living organisms and their processes? Similarly, when all of us are living a different life, with different experiences that help us in deciding about our wants and goals for different reasons, how can they be compared? The only comparison we have to make is from ourselves. Where are we today and even more than that, it is about what you do about the place you’re at.

All throughout this journey, remember to be kind and patient with yourself. allow yourself to make mistakes, trust yourself and learn to forgive yourself. At this point, I would ask you to question yourself about the effect you think it would have on you or how exactly being this kind and understanding person for yourself will impact you. If you think that somewhere it will have negative consequences for you, you know where to start working on and the barriers that are stopping you from fully accepting yourself. In the beginning, you will notice that you have to put in conscious effort but gradually it will start being very natural.

You deserve to be loved like you love others so for once, let yourself be the one to hold your hand.